It's just a natural fear. I tell myself exactly your reasoning, because it's sound and makes sense. What I convince myself is just stupid. But I believe it anyways. It was really, really hard just to make that post.
After yesterday, I have grown a lot more appreciative and feel I can be a lot more open. I had pretty much a mental breakdown and I called my boss, crying like a little kid. Decided to start drinking (although I ended up stopping somewhat quickly because it was making things worse), and then decided to just hang out in the IRC. At first, it was troubling, and my mind was playing tricks with me. I kept thinking people were judging me for the post, but I wasn't really thinking straight for a lot of reasons. Eventually, I talked one on one with some people and then everything, it just became serenity. I spent the whole night goofing around in the IRC talking to you guys, just being stupid and whatever.
You guys took a very hellish, very depressed, very rough situation for me and turned it around, and I got nothing but support, kindness, friendship, and happiness. Even if you think you were just around, you helped me a lot.
A few months ago, my friend overdosed. I don't know if it was suicide or by accident, and I don't want to know. He was my first friend in high school, but we had grown apart later, and I just didn't think much of it. Then, about three weeks ago, my friend's sister died. My friend too is my year, and I knew her since I was before 10 years old, and we went to school for, quite literally, 16 years together, since those little toddler classes. Her sister died in a car bomb in Afghanistan, as she went to go teach kids there. The car bomb was directed at her. Anne Smedinghoff, was her name, she actually hit a lot of papers and I just remember her as this really sweet librarian, and was always at the library, and John Kerry (the Secretary of State, that guy that ran for president) said words about her personally, and had met with her a few weeks prior. She wasn't the actual friend I was close to, but it still hurt a lot because I do remember her being just absolutely amazing. I mean, 25 and teaching kids in Afghanistan and get straight up murdered, I was kind of shaken by that, but just told myself it's whatever.
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Last edited 13/05/08(Wed)05:59.